Monday 23 March 2015

Important Decisions Nobody Ever Warned Us About - But They Should Have

Three years ago I was happy because I had a clear goal: I was going to study English, I was going to get my bachelor's degree in Nijmegen and I would subsequently sign up for a masters degree in said city. End of story.

Three years later I am conflicted. Not conflicted because I am failing to reach my goal. I'm well on my way to completing my bachelor's degree. Conflicted because that what was once clear is not so clear anymore. It's blurry, foggy, confusing and gives me headaches. Where the hell am I going to do a master's degree?

So let's put this dilemma in perspective. Where did it all go wrong with my well-thought out plan I made some time before I even embarked upon my academic career. Well, for starters, I am pretty much done with my university. We've had a great run, it lasted for about a year, then I got buried under books, essays, and pain, and my love for the university kind of dwindled. Then there's the fact that the master degrees at my current university do not appeal to me, and the fact that I'm dying to escape not only the city I currently live in but also the country I live in.

Oh yes, here we go again. My weird aversion to my home country, fueled by love for that weird little island on the other side of the North Sea. It would be futile to discuss the reasons why I want to leave this country as 1. they are boring and 2. I actually don't even know what exactly it is that's putting me off. The important thing is, I'm being put off, which then leads to the conclusion: I have to leave.

I am a person that gets easily bored and it is a major flaw to have. It's not just books, series, hobbies, or other material things that bore me after a while, it's places as well. And I hate it. I wish I still liked the city I live in as much as I did before, I'm certainly trying to but it's just not..there.

So who can we blame for my own shortcomings? Let's blame England. I might not have held the Netherlands in high regard before I went on Erasmus exchange, but going to live in England for a few months certainly did not help change my opinion of my home country. Erasmus was awesome. We all know that. I think England is awesome, we have established that now as well. There is something that pulls me to England which I can't really put my finger on, but it has always been there and frankly it's a bit of a pain in the ass.

So now for the difficult part. What do I do. Do I stay in the Netherlands? (let's nickname this the 'safe option') Do I go abroad (nickname: the 'expensive as fuck but really desirable option even though it will bankrupt me')? This is exactly the thing that I wished someone had warned me about. It is so hard to make a decision about this because in the end it is going to change EVERYTHING.

Chances are that if I stay I will build a life here, in the country I don't want to stay in, and eventually settle for it. If I go abroad I might actually roll into something really nice over there, and subsequently build a life in the country I could actually see myself spending the rest of my life in.

It all seems pretty fucking clear if I jot it down like this but the fact is things aren't that easy because it all comes down to that one thing that no student has but all students desire: money. Who ever thought it would be cool to make tuition fees that high in the UK? WHY? It's like torture. And it is exactly this problem that makes the decision so hard. It's a battle between doing what's easy but might make me less happy and doing what I really want but might be more of an investment than I am even capable of making.

My mind is pretty fried right now. I'm in the midst of finishing my BA degree and thus preoccupied with trying to write a semi-decent thesis- I'm lying, I'm striving to write a good one- and then this big ugly decision is put before me.

I know what I want and I guess that already indicates I have decided. It's not a question of being willing, it's a question of being able. Today I started applying to universities in England, and one in the Netherlands just in case. I'm going to try to find out how much will be able financially, and I guess that is going to ultimately be the deciding factor. Apply, hope. Enquire, hope.

Film studies in England? It is to be decided.

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